An MMA Christmas

Pic of the original 1959 Barbie Doll reissue for the 35th Anniversary, taken at the Exit 76 Antique Mall in Edinburgh, Indiana.

 

A poem by Chrome Dome Mike Kimbro

 

Feel free to read along to my spoken verse performance.

 

 

VERSE 1

 

A week before we greased up the turkey,

 

The Vegas sports books were far from beguiled.

 

When they learned that a gal from East Albuquerque

 

Beat the champ like a red headed stepchild.

 

 

VERSE 2

 

Another result of that UFC derby:

 

The toy store sales projections were lousy.

 

Sure, they were stocked up on MMA Barbie,

 

But she looked too much like Ronda Rousey.

 

 

VERSE 3

 

Victory guaranteed, when Ronda competed.

 

In and out of the ring, she was admired.

 

“She’d still be pretty, and undefeated!”

 

Some predicted, when Ronda retired.

 

 

The winning horse that day was wearing the orange silks of Florida's Hobeau Farm, which was owned by Jack Dreyfus, and featured hall of fame horse trainer Allen Jerkens.

VERSE 4

 

Whenever folks speak of a perfect record

 

I’m reminded of silks which were checkered.

 

And how Onion of the equine proletariat,

 

Humbled the mighty horse Secretariat.

 

 

 

VERSE 5

 

Not since War Admiral lost at Pimlico,

 

Had a triple crown trainer felt such shame.

 

If you’ve ever watched the movie, you know,

 

They wouldn’t mention old Onion by name.

  

 

 

VERSE 6

 

Here's a pic of Jell-o Fun Barbie, including a package of the limited edition Very Berry Barbie Jell-O.

But then, not just the bettors were dismayed.

 

Big Red's owners were thrown into a tizzy.

 

The value falling, for the price they had paid,

 

So their fillies, and that stud, could get busy.

 

 

VERSE 7

 

But Dana White also has a stable.

 

And his stallions probably outta beware.

 

He might auction stud fees, on line and on cable,

 

So that kids might favor Georges St-Pierre.

 

 

VERSE 8

 

Those tough guys will know that something's up,

 

When they're handed a Playboy and plastic cup.

 

And if "Wonder Woman" is there on the cover,

 

They'll need a couple days to fully recover.

 

 

VERSE 9

 

To fighters who aren’t down with procreation,

 

Sans the benefit of intimate contact:

 

“Look for wording like ‘insemination’,

 

When you take a closer look at your contract.”

 

 

VERSE 10

 

Accusations like that are way out of line.

 

"What's in the box?" is the question which comes to mind upon seeing the special Happy Birthday Ken Barbie Doll, celebrating the 50th Anniversery of Ken.

OK, I'm a jerk.  That much I'll concede.

 

But don't be surprised, if one day you find,

 

The UFC Store selling vials of pearly seed.

 

 

VERSE 11

 

And if I’m right, be prepared to bow down

 

Before the Texas Trailer Park Oracle.

 

But I must credit Ms. Rousey’s beat down

 

By Ms. Holm, for this poem, satirical.

 

 

VERSE 12

 

Christmas came early, when Holly used her fists,

 

And tae kwon do to achieve her ambition.

 

And you can't help but like that pugilist,

 

Unless you favor arm bar submissions.

 

 

VERSE 13

 

But Holly’s win could be a fly in the ointment,

 

Should Rousey retire after loosing one bout.

A photo of the Chinese Barbie Doll with karate hand posing in the traditional kimono, also known as a gofuku, as well as hanfu in certain Chinese languages.

 

Rest assured that would be a disappointment,

 

Because I still wanna see her tap out.

 

 

VERSE 14

 

Oh that’s right, I long see her loose to

 

A female Sakuraba or a Gracie.

 

A queen of shootfighting or jiu jitsu.

 

(Sporting volleyball shorts, which are racey.)

 

 

VERSE 15

 

Now Holly, won’t you hear my earnest plea?

 

You don’t need to fight before the rematch!

 

If, on this point, Dana should not agree,

 

It’s because he’s arranged a huge mismatch.

 

 

VERSE 16

 

For the kids, here’s a lesson I observed,

 

About the sportsmanship Ronda was missing:

 

Declining to tap gloves only served,

 

To motivate the one she was dissing.

 

 

VERSE 17

 

Later, I found Dublin's Conor McGregor.

 

The new standard for rudeness in The Octogon.

 

He changed how I view impolite behavior,

 

And all objections to Ms. Rousey were withdrawn.

 

 

 

VERSE 18

Credit for Image's Inspiration:  Austin Kleon of Austin, Texas                        

Featuring a pic of Chrome Dome Mike taken in Autumn, and inspired by an image by the Texas artist Austin Kleon, this chart shows the relationship between the length of a poem and the estimated level of the poet' sanity.

But Dana don't care, if due to the insults,

 

I see Conor as a god, or a wanker.

 

They're justified, so long as the end result

 

Is a smile on the face of his banker.

 

 

VERSE 19

 

I know it's time that I ended this poem,

 

But first a thought, which some might find troublin'.

 

Please Santa, take some steroids to Holly Holm,

 

So that she might send Conor back to Dublin.

 

 

The End

 

 

Copyright © Michael Kimbro 2015.  All rights reserved.

 

A pic of my MMA Elite Team USA t-shirt which was autographed by MMA fighting coach Greg Jackson of Albuquerque, NM.

 

Keywords:  Poems about the Ultimate Fighting Championship, MMA poetry, Poems about female fighters, Poems about horse breeding, Poems about the thoroughbred racehorses Secretariat and Onion, UFC poetry, My octagon ode.