Livin’ Zombie Style

 

A poem by Chrome Dome Mike Kimbro

 

Read along to my Spoken Verse Performance!

 

 

VERSE 1 

 

Here's a pic of a cherub angel blowing a wind instrument like a clarinet or soprano saxophone, but it could be a brass instrumnet like a trumpet or bugle or coronet or some kind of horn.

I woke

 

Up this morning, to a Cherub's voice.

 

It said:  "Go now and tell your story!

 

About your life since the apocalypse,

 

Just try not to make it too gory."

 

 

VERSE 2

 

So then

 

I thought: "Woe, I could be, like in "Lost",

 

Where they're really in purgatory.

 

Such a work would look good on my resume,

 

So my soul might be sent up to glory."

 

 

VERSE 3

 

But hey,

 

Screw the prose, I should do this with style!

 

It's my life, so I'll choose how to story it.

 

No doubt that rhyming's better by a mile,

 

I could be the Undead Poet Laureate.

 

 

So here goes...

 

 

VERSE 4

 

Dried blood,

 

Caked all over my face.

 

But it’s all good, cause I’ve got a taste

 

For the living, and the recently deceased

 

Yes it’s on their flesh that I need to feast.

 

 

VERSE 5

 

So wrong

 

To call me racist, just because,

 

I like some folks better than others.

 

Can I help it if the British are a bit too bland.       [Note:  Thanks Mark!]

 

While those Mexicans are spicy mothers.

 

 

VERSE 6

 

So yeah,

 

We’ve got our culinary favorites.

 

On that there is no issue.

 

But I’ve never turned down a kidney

 

Or some fresh brain tissue.

 

 

VERSE 7

 

Before

 

They learned gene splicing wasn't bright,

 

Brad Pitt starred in World War Z.

 

About zombies who stopped at just one bite,

 

So you know it was pure fantasy.

 

 

VERSE 8

 

Damn straight,

 

I lived good, and in fact, I only dined,

 

Where Dom Perinon was on the wine list.

 

But now I'll eat all the rodents I can find,

 

That's Zombie living at it's finest.

 

 

VERSE 9

 

For those

 

Of us, who crave variety,

 

Amusement parks should not be missed.

 

That's why a trip to Disney World,

 

Is on every Zombie's bucket list.

 

 

VERSE 10

 

Say what,

 

You think I hurry my meals?

 

Even Zombies know the rules.

 

Chew each bite a dozen times.

 

Our folks didn’t raise no fools.

 

 

Photo of Kim Kardashian exhibiting why she is a celebrity.

VERSE 11

 

I looked...

 

Out my window, and saw one of my mates,

 

He was dragging a Kardashian female.

 

Lunch time!

 

But then I realized that it wasn't Kim,

 

So I went back to checking my e-mail.

 

 

VERSE 12

 

But hey,

 

If you’re in search of dietetic advice

 

Let me be your whole foods mentor.

 

The best place for a healthy snack?

 

Me…I’d try a day care center.

 

 

VERSE 13

 

The Edge

 

And his band, rocked the AAC.     [Note:  That's the American Airlines Center in Dallas, TX]

 

Next to Bass Hall, it's my favorite venue.

 

But later backstage, Bono sure was surprised,

 

To learn that he was on the menu.Cover art from the video game Left 4 Dead 2.

 

 

VERSE 14

 

Fresh cat,

 

Is a fav, though their spray makes me sick,

 

But know that chasing dogs can be dumb.

 

Cause now my hand's a "Left 4 Dead" pic.

 

After a pit bull bit off my thumb.

 

 

VERSE 15

 

What’s that,

 

Does a corpse have an expiration date?

 

No, just get to ‘em before they’re embalmed.

 

For more on the subject of undead cuisine,

 

Go to my web site:  i_heart_the_living.com

 

 

Photo of Aussie singer-songwriter Gotya

VERSE 16

 

The pain...

 

I've felt, you have got no idea,

 

As the others tore my skin away.

 

But on second thought, that wasn't any worse,

 

Than when I heard that song by Gotya.

 

 

VERSE 17

 

And yes…

 

It’s true, we’re easy to spot

 

As we moan and work that stagger

 

But you gotta go with what you got

 

We like to call it “Zombie Swagger”.

 

 

VERSE 18

 

Come on!?!

 

You asked:  “Am I wearing Mary K?”

 

So you want cosmetic information?

 

Well, I have found that a coat of Type A,

 

Makes for the perfect foundation.

 

 

VERSE 19

 

Sadly,

 

I realize that my hairdo

 

Is like something out of Hades.

 

But you have to know it would fit right in

 

With the hair styles of the ‘80’s.

 

 

VERSE 20

 

Oh yeah,

 

My outfit is what makes my look!

 

Though the wrinkles are a bit untidy.

 

But when the apocalypse finally came,

 

I was lucky it was casual Friday.

 

 

VERSE 21

 

So fly,

 

That’s me, yeah I’ve got it goin’ on,

 

So it’s hard to hate me all that much.

 

The poets say that’s how love starts.

 

I’ll be your first undead crush.

 

 

VERSE 22

 

Bad ass

 

Bane, makes one hell of a wing man.

 

At the club, we had models sending over drinks.

 

With his cool voice and my rugged good looks,

 

We left with dimes who didn't care what Daddy thinks.

 

 

Actress Milla Jovovich in the ultimate zombie movie series Resident Evil.

Photo of Milla J., the French actress of Resident Evil fame.

VERSE 23

 

Milla,

 

My girl.  Yeah, the Resident Evil babe.

 

I've heard she's gotta thing for Sagittarians.  (wink, wink)

 

But the way my luck goes with women as of late,

 

She probably only dates vegetarians.

 

 

VERSE 24

 

Sore feet

 

Suck, cause even though I’m undead,

 

My feet are still pretty tender.

 

And a blister makes it hard to enjoy

 

Chasing folks out in nature’s splendor.

 

 

VERSE 25

 

Those damn

 

Shoe laces, we just don't get it. 

 

That's why most of us just wear loafers.

 

But you'll learn why boots are an even better choice,

 

If you’re attacked by rabid gophers.

 

 

VERSE 26

 

O. K.,

 

It was me, yes I did cut the cheese,

 

But I hope we can keep this between us.

 

The only thing worse than a zombie fart,

 

Might be the smell of Big Foot's penis.

 

 

VERSE 27

 

So now

 

You’re prepared to be one of us.

 

It’s gonna happen sooner or later.

 

But until it does, I ask you please…

 

Don’t be a Zombie hater.

 

 

VERSE 28

 

At last,

 

It's complete, my Undead Masterpiece.

 

But the masses will misunderstand it.

 

And the scholars will think, it's just a limerick,

 

So they won't take the time to reprimand it.

 

 

VERSE 29

 

But then,

 

One day, the scholars eyes will be opened.

 

And they'll hold my work in such high regard.

 

In the Survey of English Lit books you'll find...

 

Chaucer and Scott and Coleridge and Pope and Sinfield and me...

 

The Zombie Bard.

 

 

Benefits of Being a Zombie header from the front page of Mad Magazine's April 2013 issue.

Comic from the article "Frequently Overlooked Benefits of Being A Zombie" by artist and writer Tom Cheney, from page 55 of Mad Magazine's April 2013 issue.

 

Mad Magazine cover featuring Alfred E. Newman going the Gangnam Style dance my famous my the Korean artist Psy.

Special thanks to Mad Magazine, for not only entertaining me over the many decades, but also for inspiring me to reach beyond a simple re-lyric of Psy's masterpiece, "Living Gangnam Style", something I had considered for some time.

 

But this project revealed the primary problem with parodies...most songs are just too damn short to do justice to a topic as rich in inspiration as is the zombie apocalypse.  Hey, all I had to do was consider the absurdity of our daily lives (from the point of view of a zombie, of course) to come up with that conclusion.

 

But make no mistake, I'm in no way disrespecting a brilliantly conceived and executed Gangnam Style parody, such as "Lo Pan Style".  No doubt I enjoy the fruit of Wesley Freitas' lyrics and Hayato Takano's music almost as much as Psy's original, and both have surpassed MC Hammer's incredible "To Legit to Quit", my previous favorite in the Greatest Music Video of All-Time category.