Livin’ Zombie Style
A poem by Chrome Dome Mike Kimbro
Read along to my Spoken Verse Performance!
Up this morning, to a Cherub's voice.
It said: "Go now and tell your story!
About your life since the apocalypse,
Just try not to make it too gory."
I thought: "Woe, I could be, like in "Lost",
Where they're really in purgatory.
Such a work would look good on my resume,
So my soul might be sent up to glory."
Screw the prose, I should do this with style!
It's my life, so I'll choose how to story it.
No doubt that rhyming's better by a mile,
I could be the Undead Poet Laureate.
So here goes...
Caked all over my face.
But it’s all good, cause I’ve got a taste
For the living, and the recently deceased
Yes it’s on their flesh that I need to feast.
To call me racist, just because,
I like some folks better than others.
Can I help it if the British are a bit too bland. [Note: Thanks Mark!]
While those Mexicans are spicy mothers.
We’ve got our culinary favorites.
On that there is no issue.
But I’ve never turned down a kidney
Or some fresh brain tissue.
They learned gene splicing wasn't bright,
Brad Pitt starred in World War Z.
About zombies who stopped at just one bite,
So you know it was pure fantasy.
I lived good, and in fact, I only dined,
Where Dom Perinon was on the wine list.
But now I'll eat all the rodents I can find,
That's Zombie living at it's finest.
Of us, who crave variety,
Amusement parks should not be missed.
That's why a trip to Disney World,
Is on every Zombie's bucket list.
You think I hurry my meals?
Even Zombies know the rules.
Chew each bite a dozen times.
Our folks didn’t raise no fools.
Out my window, and saw one of my mates,
He was dragging a Kardashian female.
But then I realized that it wasn't Kim,
So I went back to checking my e-mail.
If you’re in search of dietetic advice
Let me be your whole foods mentor.
The best place for a healthy snack?
Me…I’d try a day care center.
And his band, rocked the AAC. [Note: That's the American Airlines Center in Dallas, TX]
Next to Bass Hall, it's my favorite venue.
But later backstage, Bono sure was surprised,
To learn that he was on the menu.
Is a fav, though their spray makes me sick,
But know that chasing dogs can be dumb.
Cause now my hand's a "Left 4 Dead" pic.
After a pit bull bit off my thumb.
Does a corpse have an expiration date?
No, just get to ‘em before they’re embalmed.
For more on the subject of undead cuisine,
Go to my web site: i_heart_the_living.com
I've felt, you have got no idea,
As the others tore my skin away.
But on second thought, that wasn't any worse,
Than when I heard that song by Gotya.
It’s true, we’re easy to spot
As we moan and work that stagger
But you gotta go with what you got
We like to call it “Zombie Swagger”.
You asked: “Am I wearing Mary K?”
So you want cosmetic information?
Well, I have found that a coat of Type A,
Makes for the perfect foundation.
I realize that my hairdo
Is like something out of Hades.
But you have to know it would fit right in
With the hair styles of the ‘80’s.
My outfit is what makes my look!
Though the wrinkles are a bit untidy.
But when the apocalypse finally came,
I was lucky it was casual Friday.
That’s me, yeah I’ve got it goin’ on,
So it’s hard to hate me all that much.
The poets say that’s how love starts.
I’ll be your first undead crush.
Bane, makes one hell of a wing man.
At the club, we had models sending over drinks.
With his cool voice and my rugged good looks,
We left with dimes who didn't care what Daddy thinks.
My girl. Yeah, the Resident Evil babe.
I've heard she's gotta thing for Sagittarians. (wink, wink)
But the way my luck goes with women as of late,
She probably only dates vegetarians.
Suck, cause even though I’m undead,
My feet are still pretty tender.
And a blister makes it hard to enjoy
Chasing folks out in nature’s splendor.
Shoe laces, we just don't get it.
That's why most of us just wear loafers.
But you'll learn why boots are an even better choice,
If you’re attacked by rabid gophers.
It was me, yes I did cut the cheese,
But I hope we can keep this between us.
The only thing worse than a zombie fart,
Might be the smell of Big Foot's penis.
You’re prepared to be one of us.
It’s gonna happen sooner or later.
But until it does, I ask you please…
Don’t be a Zombie hater.
It's complete, my Undead Masterpiece.
But the masses will misunderstand it.
And the scholars will think, it's just a limerick,
So they won't take the time to reprimand it.
One day, the scholars eyes will be opened.
And they'll hold my work in such high regard.
In the Survey of English Lit books you'll find...
Chaucer and Scott and Coleridge and Pope and Sinfield and me...
The Zombie Bard.
Special thanks to Mad Magazine, for not only entertaining me over the many decades, but also for inspiring me to reach beyond a simple re-lyric of Psy's masterpiece, "Living Gangnam Style", something I had considered for some time.
But this project revealed the primary problem with parodies...most songs are just too damn short to do justice to a topic as rich in inspiration as is the zombie apocalypse. Hey, all I had to do was consider the absurdity of our daily lives (from the point of view of a zombie, of course) to come up with that conclusion.
But make no mistake, I'm in no way disrespecting a brilliantly conceived and executed Gangnam Style parody, such as "Lo Pan Style". No doubt I enjoy the fruit of Wesley Freitas' lyrics and Hayato Takano's music almost as much as Psy's original, and both have surpassed MC Hammer's incredible "To Legit to Quit", my previous favorite in the Greatest Music Video of All-Time category.