The Bell Curve, a poem about grading college exams.

The Bell Curve

An original poem by Chrome Dome Mike Kimbro

Consider reading along to my Spoken Verse Performance.

INTRO

Grading on the bell curve!

When a quiz is the task,

Please don't bother to ask,

Essay or Multiple Choice?

Be ye Senior or Freshman

There is only one question,

Which a student needs to voice:

Does teacher grade on a bell curve?

VERSE 1

In August, preseason football begins,

One guy throws the ball, another rushes it.

But my man crush earns his Benjamin's,

Driving 300 yards, when he crushes it.

VERSE 2

Yeah, golf is the form of conflict I endorse.

It's a much more civilized sporting bout.

My favorite golfers only battle the course,

And let the leader board sort itself out.

VERSE 3

That's all good for weekend afternoons,

But what's it got to do with education?

Take a second to explore college classrooms,

And you'll find a similar situation.

VERSE 4

In this work, I discuss the exception,

To the rule in favor of referencing notes.

Grading on the bell curve offers protection,

From tests that separate the sheep from the goats.

VERSE 5

When the subject matter is really hard.

Like say Engineering Thermodynamics,

Contrasting Milton's verse with that of The Bard,

World Religion I: Pagan to Islamic.

VERSE 6

No doubt, those mid-term blue books are a mess.

Much toe-tapping and blank looks precede answers.

When it doesn't pay to cheat, or even guess,

That's when professors must lower their standards.

VERSE 7

And most of the time, that's all good and well.

If your classmates prefer to play checkers.

But test grandmasters can screw up your bell,

Jerks who pride themselves as grade curve wreckers.

VERSE 8

I've faced some of those during my college days.

Oblivious to the damage that they do.

In the end, they get the "Outstanding Student" praise,

And receive mail from MIT and Purdue.

VERSE 9

I have just received a U.S. patent,

For a device which, for a price, can by yours.

Designed to detect a nerdy combatant.

The kind with 36 and 1,600 scores.

VERSE 10

Have it with you on the first day of class,

Turn it on, then take time to calibrate it.

If the only arm on the meter should pass,

This line, then brain power is concentrated.

VERSE 11

In such conditions, you are outside the norm.

Yeah, it's time to read the writing on the wall.

Get a signature on a withdrawal form,

And hope the class is offered in the fall.

VERSE 12

Then find a prof who follows the bell curve way.

Do the bare minimum of what's been assigned.

Keep your cool, and an 80 will be an A,

Unless you're unlucky, and share class with an Einstein.

NOTE: A classic bell curve graph borrowed from the teacherhead.com website.

So, in review...