Your Malört Face                     [Part 1 of my Beverage Trilogy]

 

An original poem by Chrome Dome Mike Kimbro

 

Consider reading along to my Spoken Verse Performance.

 

 

VERSE 1

 

There's a special place they call Sweden.

 

Where summers are short, and winters long.

 

"Blonde Lovers" think it must be heaven.

 

I'm told that relationships there are strong.

 

 

 

VERSE 2

 

I assume Swede's use the liquor: bäsk,

 

To help them stave off the seven year itch.

 

Bäsk face analysis helps them unmask,

 

So they'll know if they're destined for the ditch.

 

 

 

VERSE 3

 

In the U.S.A., bäsk is bottled,

 

Under the Jeppson's Malort brand name.

 

At least nine in ten think it's awful.

 

But that one is impossible to tame.

 

 

CHORUS

 

Now ladies...

 

Even if the wedding dress you choose,

 

Is an hour glass figure showcase.

 

You might end up singing the blues,

 

If you let him see your "Malört Face."

 

 

VERSE 4

 

In the Eastern End of Derby Town,

 

On a cool and crisp Saturday morn.

 

At a yard sale hung a wedding gown,

 

Said to be "not altered, never worn."

 

 

VERSE 5

 

This white beauty stopped us in our tracks,

 

And left us just a little forlorn.

 

Why hadn't the buyers taken it back,

 

If it was "not altered, never worn?"

 

 

CHORUS

 

So ladies...

 

Even if the wedding dress you choose,

 

Is an hour glass figure showcase.

 

You might end up singing the blues,

 

If you let him see your "Malört Face."

Find more Malort memes on this Facebook page.

 

 

 

BRIDGE

 

For decades Malört has been employed,

 

To identify Chicago's frail.

 

Why not use it to avoid,

 

A marriage that destined to fail.

 

 

 

 

VERSE 6

 

That's right! If you're seeing the signage,

 

The two of you are pretty much doomed.

 

But you can't just cancel the marriage,

 

Here's a clever way to dissuade the groom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

VERSE 7

 

There's no need to make it gradual.

 

Suggest that he needs to take a seat.

 

Throw back a shot, and do what's natural.

 

It's guaranteed to give him cold feet.

 

 

CHORUS

 

So ladies...

 

Even if the wedding dress you choose,

 

Is an hour glass figure showcase.

 

You won't end up singing the blues,

 

If you let him see your "Malört Face."

 

 

VERSE 8

 

If, down the road, you begin to doubt,

 

That you totally dodged a bullet.

 

Think back to the times he held his finger out,

 

Then he cheerfully asked you to pull it.

 

 

 

VERSE 9

 

Granted, this poem's basic premise,

 

Pooh-pooh's ugliness in any form.

 

But baby, I even like your "Malört Grimace",

 

So your old boyfriend's love I'd outperform.

 

 

CHORUS

 

Now ladies...

 

Even if the wedding dress you choose,

 

Is an hour glass figure showcase.

 

You won't end up singing the blues,

 

If you let him see your "Malört Face."

 

 

VERSE 10

 

The Night King used dead soldiers to fight,

 

A battle in Game of Thrones' 8th season

 

It's over, and now both sides delight.

 

Why...comes down to one specific reason.

 

 

VERSE 11

 

Today, those veterans meet at a lodge,

 

Where only Jeppson's Malort is served.

 

So happy that draft they didn't dodge,

 

Because both sides love the special reserve.

 

 

CHORUS

 

Yes laddies...

 

Whether chainmail or corpses' threads,

 

Were the battle attire they chose,

 

They needn't fear the pub tab, instead,

 

Every round is picked up by their foes,

 

When they have the best "Malört Face."

 

 

The End

 

 

Copyright © Michael Kimbro 2019. All rights reserved.